Dear Ask a Feminist,
I also believe in the equality of men and women, but I feel like my divine life plan is to be a stay-at-home mom. This is encouraged by the church, so why do you work?
Sincerely,
Staying-at-home and loving it!
Dear Staying-at-home and loving it!,
As a point of discussion, I think that being a parent is working. It’s more intense than a full time job! When was the last time a corporate lawyer or consultant worked around 18 hours a day for approximately 18 years? No one could afford to pay stay-at-home moms (or dads for that matter) if they were paid what they deserved for the hours and importance of their work. Similarly, many “stay-at-home” moms are also working. They have side projects, writing, reading, creating, etc. all of which are a form of work. As the professional infrastructure becomes more flexible, more and more women are engaging in “work” even though they don’t acknowledge it as such. That said, let me get to your original question. I can only speak for myself but there are many reasons why I choose to work.
1) I’m a better mom. For example, this morning when it was way too early and I was exhausted my daughter woke up when it was still dark and started happily cooing. Most days of the week I throw some toys in her crib and try to catch a few more minutes of sleep in between replacing the pacifier and distracting her with toys. However, this morning I just held her and played. We interacted and laughed and played games and were each uplifted. The reason I was so excited to see her was because I worked last night. My husband cared for her and put her to bed and by the time she awoke this morning I couldn’t wait to see and hold her. I looked forward to it rather than trying to escape it. It is probably not the same for everyone, but for me working makes me a better mom. When I am at home I am more engaged, less distracted, excited to be there, revel in the little things, and cherish my time. When I have periods of not working I get sluggish and take for granted the precious little spirit in my care.
2) This is the Lord’s direction for me. I have always prayed and pondered every decision in my life and along the way I have been led and directed to working. I recognize that many stay-at-home moms followed this same plan and I respect the Lord and personal revelation too much to assume that we all get the same answers. I trust that all women seek out a follow their inspired path. For me, it was recognizing and pursing my spiritual gifts and the desires of my heart. I have unique talents and abilities and I feel like they are being utilized in my current profession. My husband and I have prayed and come to decisions about professions and parenting together which we feel are in line with the gospel and the Lord’s plan for us. Throughout the course of my career I have had many answers to prayer, priesthood blessings, and divine interventions which have confirmed that the Lord is directing me.
3) For practicality. As a new wife and graduate student on my first day in a new ward I received some advice that I will always cherish. A well respected mother and scholar told me, “Life is LONG!” She then told me about all sorts of women. Women who raise their kids and then go search for their inspired career, women who get all of their education and then have kids, women who raise their kids and slowly receive their training simultaneously, women who work from home, share family responsibilities with their husbands, and trade off with their spouse in regard to working and parenting. She also taught me that motherhood, while all consuming, was only one part of your life. Before and after your kids you have a lot of time. What will you do with it? For me, I have found a balance between working and parenting that makes my family happy. Practically, we try to live off the salary from one job so that we are not forced to be a dual-income family and so that at any time one of us can choose to stay home full time. I also feel overwhelming security at being able to provide for my family. For now, it allows my husband to choose a career that makes him happy rather than one just for the money. For the future, if something happened to my spouse, it makes me feel like I would be able to raise my children and provide for them in a flexible schedule rather than having to work a 9-5 job with limited pay. I also found great confidence in being financially autonomous when I was dating. I was able to choose a spouse based on love and inherent qualities without the pressure of financial dependency. For me, working has given me more choices and freedom. (However, I also understand that my family is unique and I have the luxury of a spouse whose job is flexible).
Sincerely,
Ask a Feminist
Reminder: All answers reflect the opinion of the “Ask a Feminist” director and not the entire executive board at LDS WAVE.